mari exercise!!

mari exercise!!

If you look inside a girl's heart

you'd sees how much she really cries,

you'll find secrets hidden, best friends, and lies,

but what you'll see the most is how hard it is

to stay strong when nothing's right

and everything's wrong.

[ unknown ]

Friday, October 31, 2008

headache, stress & PILLS..

I had a severe headache.. doctor said that it is due to my sinus.. I have no blood pressure problems, my heart pumping just right, no diabetes.. so the doctor.. DR. Hadi Abd Rahman (M.D.UKM) gave me 4 medication.. ROLETRA 10 - Loratadine ; PONSTAN 500mg ; MABRON-tramadol HCI and CERITEC.. he said he gave me a medication enough for 10 days.. after the medication finish, come to see him again.. and he will write me another prescription that suitable with my condition..

so, now.. I am in office.. trying to rush out the report for PULKA... with my head aching like hell.. I dont feel like talking to anybody.. neither my boss nor the admin OFFICER...I dont feel like looking at their faces.. I know my boss is very kind woman.. but I just cannot take it anymore.. she is very slow and loovvee to do last minute works.. this is what is basically wrong with me.. I dont have a heart to do this job anymore.. I'm mentally stress to be working here and working with this group of people.. I just can't take it anymore!!!

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark?
To dream about a life where you're the shining star
Even though it seems like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself, it's the only way...

anger.. sadness and tears..

"this is me.. this is real.. this is where i am supposed to be now.."

this song is soooo not for me rite now.. how I feel terrible and sorry for my own life!! please somebody please take me away from this hell!!!!!

its not that I hated Malays.. in fact.. I AM MALAY.. (well.. my dad is Pakistani and my mom is a Malay) so.. basically.. I am a Malay.. and I really don't know why I hate that fact.. I really hate working with Malays.. I mean the typical Malays.. backstabber.. hypocrites.. jealous, spiteful.. I really don't know why.. I really enjoyed working with non-Malays more.. they are more professional, relaxed yet very eficient.. no last minute work.. no staying up late at office..
its true that u have to work like 8.30am to 5.30pm non-stop... work your as* off.. kadang2 makan lunch pon tak sempat... nak duduk tarik napas dalam2 melepaskan lelah pon.. ishkkk... (bos nampak kite duduk tak ade kertas atau tak pandang komputer.. ade je die nak sound)..

tapi.. tu la.. MR. YAP CHIN CHON.... aduihh.. how I miss his voice.. screaming and yelling at me.. "Bulls*it.. f*ckoff YUS!! kepala u!! don't be soo STUPID!! U have to learn!!" how I miss those good old days... okay.. not just yelling.. but sometimes he will also give me a motivational talk.. which i still remember today.. which I still carry and hope that I will be good as him in this field.. he really knw how to get things going and moving.. how to push for approval.. I am such a junior... LOL


I clearly know that I can't ask for something else right now.. this is the life I've choosen.. but i was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why am I always make wrong choices? stupid decision? literally.. I hate my life...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

..lost of friend..

today, 29th Oct 2008.. my friend named Norashikin Alauddin or Ekin pass away due to leukemia.. she is my pal from secondary school.. in the same class for 3 years.. she was a very cool girl.. very optimistic and very understanding.. How I feel terrible for not spending more time with her.. after SPM in the year 2000.. I hardly see her.. or them (my ex-classmates).

I kept running away and keep on hiding from them.. never wanted them to see me again and have any kind of contacts with me.. but I guess I was wrong.. so damn wrong all this while.. i've been very selfish.. i've been very self-centered.. please forgive me my friends.. I know that I am not a very good friend.. maybe i am notgood enough to be someone friends..

I visited her once when rozai called me last week.. said that shikin was very critical and nurses advised to meet her when she is still awake.. but then, my other fren said yesterday that she is getting better.. her heart pumping just nice and she was recovering.. but.. who knows? Allah love her so much.. that He took shikin away..

Shikin, 25... Allah take her away as she is a very good girl.. while me.. myself.. also 25.. still need to bring this soul and get thru this life.. safe and sound.. can i really do that? sometimes i just feel that someone that pass away in their early age is very fortunate.. they have been taken away from this world, so that they will never do anything bad.. they cannot do any kind of sins.. maybe.. all the sins we have done in this world is enough to put us in hell and suffers.. maybe 25 years is enough..

but, we dont have the right to choose until when we are going to live this life.. its all already being written in our book.. which we cnanot read.. and we have to accept it.. by all means.. menerima qada' dan qadar..

semoga Allah tempatkan Shikin di kalangan orang2 yang dipelihara.. Al-Fatihah.. dan takziah untuk keluarganya..

painful deception

painful - causing pain or distress / feeling or giving pain. defined by the International Association for the Study of Pain (IASP) as "an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage"

the act of deceiving / the fact or condition of being deceive. Deception (also called beguilement or subterfuge) is the act of convincing another to believe information that is not true, or not the whole truth as in certain types of half-truths.

painful deception ~ for me it means..
"kesan luka yang teramat dalam".
Satu kesakitan yang amat payah untuk diterima.. something hurtful and we were forced to believed and accept the pain.. not to say embrace 'em but somehow we really have to experience it once in a while.. so that we can be a better person.. or not..

Life is full of surprises… the kite u were flying might suddenly sail away…

Life is full of coincidences.. even two parallel line might meet..

Well, life is all about forgiveness and acceptance. We need to accept things in life and forgive things that run through our life. Yep... it is not easy but that the reality of what we must do in this life… hanya insan yang sempurna dapat memberi kemaafan kepada yang memerlukan.. Jadi macam mane dengan orang yang kurang sempurna? Perlu ke sentiasa hidup di selubungi dosa? May we always be blessed by Yang Maha ESA…

Heard some one said... ‘KITA BERJAYA KERANA KITA TIDAK LUPA PADA BUMI YANG DIPIJAK’ we succeed because we never forget where we belong to? Or because we never forget who we are? Hidup kita ni tak selalu bahagia, tak sentiasa indah.. sometimes.. macam2 bala akan datang menjenguk dan pada masa itulah, keupayaan dan kewarasan fikiran kita diuji sehabisnya.. hidup ni satu pementasan.. Everybody basically just playing a role.. Being a fake... why don’t all of us be true to ourself, be true to others.. be urself.. as that is the best thing that u might do in this stage of life.. u were given a chance to do so now.. later, u might not find a better chance than today..

Today.. I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before.. so, it is recommended for us to Be careful of what we wish for.. there may be strings attached..

It happens all the time..

You need to let go of the hate and anger.. it does nothing but literally eat you up.. therefore it serves absolutely no purpose here.. and I know.. I also need to learn to forgive myself and stop blaming.. blaming myself and others for lives issues and events.. that too serves no purpose.. I deserve balanced and peace.. peace of mind to start making choices that can create and save whatever within my soul..

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

beginning of something new..

I just created this blog.. and maybe I'll wait for my creativity allows me to carve something in here.. I guess I will just have to wait.. as creativity is so not my middle name..

but.. better to start something new.. as ME.. nobody else and nothing else.. I really love myself and from now on.. everything is gonna be about ME and me only..